


The Four Stages of FitzSimmons

by ooooohdarling



Series: four stages [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, S.H.I.E.L.D. bus, Undercover Jemma Simmons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-10 01:49:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4372514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ooooohdarling/pseuds/ooooohdarling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Moment when you think it;<br/>The Moment when you think you know it;<br/>The Moment when you know you know it but you just can’t say it;<br/>The Moment when you know you know it but you can’t keep it in any longer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the moment when you think it

**Author's Note:**

> These are not my characters, I'm just borrowing them for this fic. All characters belong to ABC's Agent's of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the many faced Disney gods.

She couldn’t sleep, she never could sleep in airplanes, and it seemed as if the BUS was not going to be an exception to this rule.

It was their first night on the plane, and she was exhausted. She knew sleeping would be difficult on the BUS, but she didn’t think it would matter if she properly tired herself out working all day. Even when her and Fitz had to travel across the world, presenting their papers and research at the various conferences they were invited to, she was never able to fall asleep in an airplane or a car for that matter.

She knew she wanted to go to his bunk, but hesitated for a moment wondering what his reaction would be. It was her idea for them to come on this adventure in the first place and she knew she had to drag his acceptance out of him. Would he be sympathetic? Or would he just tell her it was her own bloody idea to try and sleep on a giant metal bird and she should just go drink some tea and be patient?

Deciding she might as well try and get some sympathy from him she slipped out of her bunk, wearing some boxers of his that she nicked while doing his laundry, “Finders fee, Fitz,” and old worn-out Stanford t-shirt, she made her way to Fitz’s bunk across the hall and knocked on his door four times - before pausing - and knocking once more,

“Yeah Jem, come on in I’m awake.”

She punched in his key code and found him sitting in bed with his smart phone and asked, “What are you doing?”

“Trying to beat your 2048 score.”

“That’s never going to happen.”

“I know.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“I know.”

He wordlessly scooted over in his bed, while she climbed in next to him and searched his bedside table for the book she was looking for. She waited patiently while he finished his game and smiled to herself as she heard him mumbling some curses about cheating and something to do with England before handing him the worn out paperback in exchange for his phone.

She wasn’t sure why this worked, but she did remember when this particular tradition started.

They were 17 when they started at the S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy and it was several months and many chemistry lab explosions later before they were anything resembling friends. 

While at their respective Universities, going home for holidays had been fairly easy, with designated time off and the random money they earned throughout the semesters, but this winter break both were staying at the Academy and for the first time in their lives they wouldn’t be with their families for Christmas.

He had come to her dorm to watch old Doctor Who Christmas Specials before she burst into tears imagining her family back home doing the same thing. He wrapped his arm around her before telling her that his mum was probably at home, most likely with his family that he also missed before getting an idea in his head and moved himself off her bed to look through her bookshelf.

After grabbing her copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone he told her that sometimes Harry helped him feel not so alone, he blushed knowing that it sounded childish and stupid but she grabbed the book out of his hands before he could even finish his thought and agreed to read to her.

Whenever one of them was feeling sick, lonely, scared or homesick they would take turns reading Harry Potter to one another and for whatever reason it always worked and her worn-out copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone was one of her most treasured possessions.

She started to lose herself in his words and was able to momentarily forget that they were flying across the world in a giant black airplane at about 600 mph, she was almost able to trick herself into believing that they were still at the Academy or even Sci-Ops like that time she got the flu and insisted he stay with her for the duration before she was forced to stay with him when he got sick too because, “turnabout is fair play, Simmons.”

In many ways this easy understanding and fierce loyalty was more intimate than any of her romantic relationships, but she chose to ignore that thought as per usual. This silly crush had started years ago, slowly working its way into her mind in small moments like this or when he challenged her observations, times when he made her tea just right or when he leant her a jumper and never asked for it back.

She wasn’t sure when this new thought had started, however.

A new thought that felt like fire was spreading from her fingertips to the rest of her, slowly like embers leftover from a campfire. The way her chest felt tight when he complimented her or how he never made her feel silly for secretly working on a device resembling a real life Sonic Screwdriver.

It wasn’t worth it, she silently told herself, he’s your partner and your best friend in the world.

Still, the thought persisted like the tide did at the beach in Miami during the time her and Fitz slipped away from the ostentatious hotel and wrote their names in the sand when they should have been going over their presentation on the new power grid for a completely sustainable line of solar panels.

She even caught herself searching, “how do you know you’re in love” once before being redirected to a thread on reddit that did not help whatsoever because there was no way she was in love with Fitz just no way despite how close to home some of those answers were.

Instead, she focused on the way his nose scrunched up when reading a passage with Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia as if he couldn’t stand the though of them mistreating Harry Potter. 

Jemma Simmons focused on Harry’s 11th birthday and chose not to think too much on how right it felt waking up next to him the following morning.


	2. The Moment when you think you know it.

“Why? Why would you make me do this? You’re my best friend in the world!”

“Yeah, and you’re more than that, Jemma. I couldn’t find the courage to tell you. So, please.. let me show you.”

Breathing wasn’t an option, she couldn’t speak so she grabbed his face and peppered him with kisses.

This wasn’t fair, this wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

This isn’t how their story ends.

All she needed was a moment, one moment and she could find a way out - but then he was giving her the oxygen and blowing a hole in the medical pod and all she could think about was dragging him to the surface before being rescued by Director Fury.

 

Sitting next to him in the hospital, it had been 4 days and he showed no signs of improvement.

Logically she knew what that meant, the longer he was in the coma the worse his situation became but she would not allow herself to imagine that reality.

Director Coulson had been extremely patient with her, understanding that she wanted to spend her time in the hospital with him instead of tending to her usual duties but she tried to do as much as she could in the days following inside his room.

Luckily for her the majority of the work to do be done was paperwork, filling out requests for lab equipment and organizing the files of work she and Fitz had done while on the BUS.

Feeling selfish for a moment, she allowed herself to think about what a luxury it would be to sleep in a bed on solid ground.

Despite trying to keep busy, she couldn’t help but replay every moment from that day. Every little detail she had committed to memory and none more than what he had said to her, “More than that.”

Trying not to go mad imagining what they could have done differently, what if they had been able to create a second tube for the oxygen - timed the explosion so they could both breathe before they had to swim - a million scenarios played out before her as she sat in the sterile ICU.

Her feelings for him had only gotten stronger since joining Coulson’s team, especially after being infected with the Chitauri virus knowing that his face was the last thing she wanted to see. She was however still hesitant to put a label on it, she had plenty of casual relationships while at the Academy and Sci-Ops but nothing like this. This all consuming uncontrollable need. 

That being said, the only person she ever knew - ever wanted to be around day in and day out - was currently lying motionless in a hospital bed. Pale as the sheets he was laying on.

She cried softly imagining that he may never know, never get to tell him that he was the most important person in the whole world. 

Jemma wasn’t raised with belief of anything other than what could be proved. Science was the only deity she worshiped.

‘Funny, they always say that people turn to Gods in their most desperate hours.’

Thinking to herself what she might say, the only times she attended a church service were for various friends or families weddings. Once for her grandfather’s funeral when she was very young, but she paid little attention to what the priests were saying.

She neatly folded her hands on his bed, having seen that in movies and television, and thought to herself, ‘please, whomever is listening if anyone at all. Just bring him back to me.’

Five days later he would return.

And five days after that, Coulson pulled her into his office and asked about a mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and bookmarks, I really appreciate it! The third chapter will be up next week and I'm working on Fitz's chapters now. Come by tumblr, snakebiter, if you feel like it!


	3. The Moment when you know you know it but you just can’t say it

Staring at her alarm clock, waiting for it to go off, Jemma Simmons had only one thought in her mind, how much Fitz hated mornings.

She had always been the early bird and he the night owl, especially when they were at the Academy. University was a lot more relaxed compared to the rigid, military-like structure at S.H.I.E.L.D.'s Academy where they had places to be at very specific times. Dragging him out of bed in the mornings had been one of her favorite things. Sure, she had to act annoyed - but come on, he was adorable and pliant in the mornings and it was achingly personal. No one got to see him like that, it was a privilege reserved for her and her alone.

She jumped out of bed and ran on the treadmill in the corner of her room for a precise 6 miles while smiling to herself imagining the time her and Fitz took the field test, failing miserably and even twisting an ankle on one go-around.

After they had been cornered for Agent Coulson's team it was "recommended" that they take their field test, a standard exam that was administered daily for the Operations cadets. The same Operations cadets who were shooting Fitz and SImmons confused glances when they lined up with the Ops meat-heads.

Pouring a dash of cream into her tea she scrunched her nose remembering how Fitz always licked the spoon dry after mixing the copious amount of sugar into his tea, always having to remind him to put the spoon in the sink instead of sitting on a counter - because Fitz it will leave a stain and NO she is not cleaning up after him again; she is NOT his mother and fine fine just pass the sponge.

She enjoyed a cheese danish remembering the time her and Fitz had tried to make their own cheese danishes at the Academy, declaring it a great idea to save them time and money in the mornings before forgetting the bread was baking and having to explain to their S.O. that the fire was accidental and the hole could be easily patched! I mean what were they to do? The care package from the UK had arrived for Simmons and it contained all of the most recent season of Doctor Who on DVD.

Moving her purse to the security guard to check she smiled at his compliment before entering the elevator, eyes immediately going to the emergency switch, remembering being stuck with Fitz in an elevator in Zurich and playing Roshambo to pass the time before being rescued. 

Sitting in the lab working on a sample, this was when she felt his absence like a physical hole in her life. She tried to imagine what he would say, whenever she had a question or a thought pop into her head.

‘Come on, Simmons you know that’s a bullocks hypothesis.’  
‘That’s like that time at Sci Ops where you did the thing with the cells from that place.’  
‘The molecular structure is completely different from the control subject, that’s a decent find.’

Walking home she felt an exhaustion creep into her bones in a way she never felt at S.H.I.E.L.D., no one told her that lying would be so tiresome. Maybe it was so tiresome because she was so bad at it, or used to be bad at it.

The impromptu visit from Coulson earlier in the week had been more than welcome, but she knew he was hiding the truth of Fitz’s condition from her. At least he was able to pick up that it was news on her partner that she was really seeking, of course she wondered about the health and wellbeing of the rest of the team but Fitz - that is who she wanted to know about.

Espionage had given her a better idea of a person’s tells and she knew he was lying to her about the severity of his condition.

Feeling herself growing frustrated, she forced the idea of Fitz and his ongoing recovery out of her mind, she focused on paying attention to her surroundings. One could never be too careful while walking home. 

Laying out her Indian takeout on the kitchen table, she pulled the Sriacha sauce from her refrigerator and remembered the first time she tried it. Fitz was obsessed with the stuff and put some in her macaroni and cheese once before she became a convert herself. For a Scottish man, he sure did love his spicy food.

Finishing her beer she got ready for bed, this was the worst part.

This was when she had the most trouble controlling her thoughts, when she was tired and the walls constructed to keep him safely stored away seemed to become thinner and weaker as the day dragged on. She imagined what he was doing, did he miss her? Did he think of her as well?

As much as it killed her she hoped not, she hoped he wasn't plagued by these feelings of longing. The only thing she could possibly compare it to was as if she was acutely aware of a missing piece of her heart, silly as it was because she knew the heart had nothing to do with her emotions. 

Still.

It was like the feeling of being watched, or maybe the opposite of that. The feeling of something being far and close at the same time.

Laying in bed clutching her old worn-out copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone she cried herself to sleep, weighed down with the knowledge that she loved him - loved him fiercely and detested the way he had invaded her every thought and movement.

But he wasn’t here, he was at the Playground with their other friends who had no idea where she was or what she was doing. She had no way of letting him know that the most important discovery of her life had been this, simply that she was in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my usual publish date is Sundays, but I'm going away this weekend and I just finished working on this chapter now and figured, "hey, now is as good a time as any."
> 
> Thanks again for your continued support! One more chapter next week then on to Fitz's perspective. If you want to chat I'm on tumblr as snakebiter, not suuuuper active but I'm around.


	4. The moment when you know it and you can't keep it in any longer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Done with the Jemma part! Sorry it took until Wednesday to post it but time got away from me and I have really terrible short term memory loss so here we are!
> 
> Fitz's chapters will start coming on Sunday then I'm planning on doing an epilogue sort of story.
> 
> Let me know what you are thinking! Thank you for reading!

It was the middle of the night when Agent Coulson came into the quarantine room, a nondescript sterile environment inside the Playground where she had been for the past 24 hours after being spat out by the Kree Stone just yesterday.

“How are you feeling?”

“Confused mostly. A tad sore if I’m being honest.”

“I understand that, Simmons, three months is a long time to be gone.”

“It felt a lot longer, time on Attilan works very differently from here.”

“I know, and we’ll have plenty of time to figure out why you were taken but for now you’re free to leave. We can’t find anything abnormal or different about you, but we don't know what the long term effects will be. Just keep us informed if you notice anything.”

“Of course, sir.”

“And Simmons?”

“Yes, sir?”

“It sure is nice to see you.”

She stood up after he walked out, smiling at his retreating form and tugged on the clothes he left for her at the foot of her bed. Feeling much more like herself in her own jeans and sweater, she made her way to the garage to find him.

Seeing Fitz’s face when she was leaked out of the stone, Coulson’s words not hers, had been simultaneously the best and worst moment of her life.

She was so confused, she barely remembered being taken. Only remembering his words to her before going to lock the case. Then next thing she knew she felt complete darkness before opening her eyes inside a holding cell suspended above a floating city.

It took a long time for her to realize she was no longer on Earth, eventually she was to stand trial - not even able to understand what was happening until one alien was able to roughly translate the trial to English. She was taken by the monolith for her advanced knowledge of Inhumans. After being created by the Kree alien race to help win a war, the Krees realized that Inhumans were more powerful than they were, and needed a way to destroy them and created the stone as a result.

It was a long time for her, trying to explain her situation and what her purpose with the stone was but eventually they let her go.

It was a year and a half for her.

When they let her return she realized she was being sent back the way she came. Once back in the Playground his was the first face she sought out and finding him had been like discovering something precious you had thought you lost a long time ago. He looked tired, and had let his facial hair grow only adding to the illusion that he had completely forgotten himself in his attempt to get her back and looked like he was trying to say something to her but she couldn’t hear anything over the rushing in her ears and the lightness of her head.

She lost sight of him as they moved her into a quarantine room, and she remained there for the next 24 hours in order to better observe her. They took blood samples, tissue samples, DNA samples, made her run on the treadmill and asked her questions about her personal life that only she would know the answers to.

After not finding anything and a lengthy debriefing, plus her own assurances that she felt fine it was a relief that they were ready to let her go.

Walking to the garage she found him slumped over his desk. Papers surrounding him in danger of meeting the drool escaping from his open mouth.

He looked peaceful when he slept, always had. He was never still during the day, always moving or fiddling with something and sleep was the only time he seemed calm.

After she got back from working undercover their relationship was in shambles, he didn’t understand why she left and it took time for them to build back their friendship however it became increasingly clear to Jemma that friendship would not be enough for them anymore.

Her feelings were strong, and real, too real if she was being honest.

It didn’t seen fair to put on more drama to their rebuilding friendship. Telling him she loved him would have been unfair, he was still recovering after all.

He thought that she didn’t feel the same way and left him because of his injuries, she thought that he would never forgive her for leaving when she did.

Fate intervened when he finally got the courage to ask her out after her confession that maybe there was something to talk about.

She loved him and had waited long enough to let him know.

“Fitz! Fitz, come on wake up.”

She shook his shoulder lightly, not wanting to startle him.

“What?”

He sat up, yawning and scratching his beard absentmindedly before stopping to stare at her with his mouth slightly open.

They stood there for what felt like hours, but was only a few moments, just staring at each other.

She made the first move, grabbing the sleeve of his shirt to pull him closer and wrapped her arms around him tightly feeling him come undone in her arms.

As he cried she only then realized how difficult this must have been for him, if the situation had been reversed she imagine she would have gone mad searching for him.

He pulled away as if shocked and started talking quickly, unable to make eye contact.

“I’m so sorry Jemma, oh god I’m so sorry, this is all my fault - completely my fault”

She stopped him from continuing with a shocked, “What? What do you mean this is your fault Fitz, why would you ever say that?”

“I left the case unlocked, I tripped while talking to you and unlocked it and I should have locked it back up straight away before leaving you there alone,” tears still streaming down his face.

“Oh, Fitz no! This was not your fault, it was a complete accident you would never do something like this on purpose!”

“No, Jemma it is. If something had happened to you, if you had d-“ he seemed physically unable to finish that thought before she pulled him back into a hug and felt him try to pull away which only made her hold on tighter, she felt him relax in her grip and eventually just sat there and cried.

She pulled away slowly, keeping a grip on his hand and started to lead him to the kitchen,

“Where are we going?” Fitz asked before wiping away tears with the back of his hand.

“I believe you owe me dinner.”

The two of them made their way to the kitchen, luckily it was the middle of the night so they were alone and she started pulling ingredients from the cabinets to make some pesto aioli.

“Grab some bread and meat while I get this mixed up.”

The vice-like grip they had on each other’s hands made it a tad difficult to move around the kitchen but they made it work, and within minutes had all the ingredients assembled for some prosciutto and buffalo mozzarella sandwiches with a hint of pesto aioli.

They began to eat in silence, and for the first time since she returned from her undercover mission it felt comfortable.

“I’m sorry I woke you up and dragged you here.”

“No, no are you kidding? I told Coulson to come find me before he was going to let you out of quarantine. Are you ok?”

She thought about that question for a moment before answering, the speech she had planned out in her head while stuck in quarantine quickly flew out the window. She just looked at him, disheveled from crying, clearly sleep deprived, thin from what she assumed was three months of not eating properly, and all she could think was that he was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

“No. Attilan was horrific. I was made to stand trial for something I had not done and I thought they would kill me, everyday I assumed I was going to die.”

“I know, Coulson told me a bit about where they took you once they first talked to you.”

“I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.”

“You’re the only person who would ask about someone else after spending months in a bloody alien city.”

He kept glancing at her as if she would disappear and had yet to let go of her hand.

‘Well, no time like the present I suppose.’

“I think it was the first time you read to me, that first December at the Academy when we couldn’t go home for a Christmas break.”

His confusion was obvious and began to turn into concern, “Jemma? What are you talking about?”

“Falling in love with you, I imagine that’s when it started. For me at least, I’m not able to speak to your own experiences with this.”

His mouth started opening and closing quickly, she felt bad for a moment but was too busy trying to categorize this lightness in her chest.

“What? Really? Oh ok oh well yeah um.”

“You don’t have to answer, Fitz. It’s not a question, just that I’ve wanted to say something for quite sometime now and it seems that at any moment something could go horribly wrong so I think you ought to know how I feel.”

“The first time we did laundry together, the March after our Christmas at the Academy. We were just sitting on top of the unused machines talking about applications for DNA receptors in the cell phone technology I had started working on. I had never met someone who understood me before, who I could talk to four hours without feeling exhausted. I thought about it later later and I had never had that kind of relationship with someone, I had friends sure but no one was like you.”

She was silent for a moment, recalling that night. She had suggested they do laundry together because she noticed how messy his room was earlier that week and he just shrugged and followed her with a basket overflowing of clothes and sheets.

It had been a great night, setting an example for many laundry nights to follow but she never imagined that’s when this would begin. For him at least.

“Oh, Leo.”

“I’d like to kiss you now, but - um - does your face hurt? Is it alright-“

She refused to let him finish that thought, grabbing onto the collar of his shirt she pulled him across his seat to her. She could taste the sandwich and smell his body wash. 

Her head felt like someone had filled it with fireworks that were all exploding at different times and oh why had they waited so long to do this?

He let go of her hand to wrap his hands around her neck and scooted off his seat to stand over her as her hands moved to wrap around his torso. She inhaled sharply as he opened his lips to take her bottom lip between his teeth and open her mouth slightly to him as his tongue began an exploration of her mouth.

She moved her hands to his back and the moment she touched his skin she felt him twitch slightly and pull away from her.

Moving back to him for another quick kiss they both pulled away breathing heavily but keeping their heads pressed together.

“Can I read to you?”

“Yes, yes, please.”

Abandoning their plates in the kitchen she placed her hand back in his and lead him to her bunk, opening the door she realized how dusty it was, another reminder of how long she was gone.

There would be time to more talking, more kissing and more breathless moments but for now they were content to just be together, reading their favorite book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for those of you wondering, I took some liberties and this is where I think the Kree monolith took Simmons. Here's a link to the wiki page for Attilan, it's the ancient home of the Inhumans.
> 
> http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Attilan
> 
> Obviously this assumption is my own, it's not a confirmed location but it's what I think a weapon designed by the Kree alien race to destroy Inhumans would do. So take this with a grain of salt.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Alright! Well this is going through the four stages of saying I love you from How I Met Your Mother, first from Jemma's POV then with Fitz's next. I tried to stay as close to cannon as possible and did some research but all spelling/grammar mistakes are my own.
> 
> I'll be updating this every Sunday, I realize it's crazy early on Sunday (EST) so most chapters won't be until later on Sunday but that's the idea.
> 
> I'm not crazy active on tumblr but I am on there, snakebiter, in case you want to stop by and scream / whatever!


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